*I started writing this a couple of months ago. I'm not entirely sure why I am just now posting it. Perhaps fear, or self doubt, or one of the many other common feelings in sharing something so personal. But I decided to post it. If nothing else, at least as a reminder that yes there are times when we feel like this, but we don't have to be stuck in those times....... It's always darkest before the sun (thanks Florence and the Machine!)
I'm currently reading
Furiously Happy by
Jenny Lawson (who is one of the funniest people/writers/bloggers ever!!) and while reading it, I've come to the conclusion that I'm totally not alone in feeling like a failure. That sounds kind of awful.... Okay, so let's back up... Jenny has an array of mental illnesses that hinder her from feeling "normal." And yes, normal deserves a " " because really, what is normal? However, as I'm reading I keep thinking to myself, YES - THAT IS HOW I FEEL!!!!
Right now I'm on a chapter where she is writing about how she feels like there are a rare amount of days where she feels like she is good at life, where she has accomplished something in her day that is worthwhile and she doesn't feel like she is a day behind.
It struck a chord.
Do we all go through this? The responses to her seemed to be that perhaps its an American way of life because how we measure being a success in life if what we do, not how we feel. In any case, I can't help but feel the exact same way.
I've gotten so stressed lately and instead of putting on my big girl.....shoes..... and getting things done, I freak out and panic and then spend the rest of the day under my covers. I don't like being like this. And I think in reading this book and seeing that I'm not the only crazy one, I can admit my faults. But it's terrifying. I hate letting people down and I despise not being on my game. One of the worst feelings for me is that panic of being a day or so behind, but there are just never enough hours in the day to get everything done.
This past week I felt like I was finally ahead and it was great, but then the next day I realized that I had forgotten to do so many things it would take me
days to catch up. So I ended up panicking and lying in bed trying to figure it out. Then I started getting angry at myself. Why can I not act like a regular adult and just deal with it (because let's face it, that's what we're told or made to feel)? But how do you explain to people that aren't like you that it's hard to just
deal with it?
As a Christian I have taken this to God and I have tried to relinquish my anxiety, fear, and feelings of incompetency, but it's hard to let that go sometimes. It's a struggle because I don't want to feel this way, but I also have control issues and it's hard to let someone else be in charge.
When reading
Brennan Manning's book, The Ragamuffin Gospel, I again saw someone else talking about how we beat ourselves up after failing. How there are times when we feel beat up and burnt out, and struggle to give ourselves the grace that God so freely gives us. Reading his book made me also realize that this way of feeling is not only normal, but okay. It is in these times though, that we need to rely on God and know he has our backs- "[God] loves us as we are, not as we ought to be, because we will never be as we ought to be." - Brennan Manning
Sometimes though I just wonder if that is just how my brain is wired. Like the machines that get overheated and so they turn themselves off- my brain gets overwhelmed and turns off, so I turn to sleeping.
Does anyone else feel this way? If so, you are not alone. You've at least got me on your side. (And if that actually makes things worse, I've very sorry!!!)
xoxoxoxo, KR
PS If you ever feel like this...
this is also a good read.
